That...was awesome.

Hi All, Josey here letting you know I haven't fallen off the deep end or anything! Just been taking time to rest and reflect on one of the most incredible experiences of my life. The words are hard to come by as I am taken aback by raw emotion, but I'll try to fill you in. Have you ever seen a toddler clinging her dad's hand as he navigates her through something scary? She has trust that he knows the way to go and will protect her but she still trembles a bit. That was, and still is me. I had the promise of God's mercy tucked deep inside my heart and knew he would not leave my side. I was clinging to the fact that His timing is perfect and that He had a plan for Elizabeth's life even before she was conceived. Still, I trembled a bit. I walked into the hospital praying "You've got me, right?" He sure did. 

After a birth that was so incredibly well-timed and with the help of the nurses that couldn't have been a better fit for our situation, our girl was born! She brought a peace with her that was so heavy I was glad to already be in bed. After barely moving her leg to let me know she was alive, she looked like she was sleeping the whole time. Her heartbeat was rapidly decreasing. We knew that she was going to leave us quickly so Jeremy and I kind of played "hot potato" to make sure we both got to hold her. The nurse checked her heartbeat a few times to let us know where it was at. The last check though, she didn't have to tell us. Even though she hadn't made a sound or movement, we could tell her spirit had left. It wasn't sad though because I knew exactly where it had gone to. Since we didn't know what to expect, Jeremy and I had talked out all the different scenarios beforehand and I can say that we had the best one. We didn't have to see her struggle or gasp, and we didn't have to spend a long time wondering how many hours we would have left. God has been known to have perfect timing and this was a prime example.

It took me a while to pinpoint a certain word that encapsulated what I was, and still am feeling the most. It might not make sense, but I found it. Privileged. I feel so honored to be able to be Elizabeth's voice and get to hear how her life was impacted by so many. What makes me well up with tears is not as much sadness, or even joy. It's the weight of God's mercy that not only has completely covered me, but that I've had a front row seat as it has touched others. Many of you have written to me saying we have been in your thoughts and prayers. Lots of you have said how much Elizabeth's story has moved you. I wish I could answer every email and text. If I haven't gotten back to you, please know that those words have fueled my spirit and helped me so significantly. I've read all of them and am so appreciative of those who have reached out to us. We still covet your prayers. I have heard from others in this special club we've now joined that hard days are to come. Right now we're just awestruck at what we've seen and heard. Please don't feel sorry for us at this time! We've never been through anything so sacred and have never felt closer to the Lord or each other than right now. Rejoice with us as we get to not only reflect on God's mercy but envision our precious daughter at the feet of Jesus! Yes, we feel like she's missing...but she most certainly is not lost.

One thing I am dreading is going out into the real world without her. I'm worried that people won't know what to say to me so they won't say anything. Will you help me with this? Eggshells are not what I'm used to walking on and I don't want you to feel like you're on them around me. If you see me please say something! You don't have to worry about it being the right thing to say because I probably won't say the right thing back! Jeremy's not as sensitive to this kind of thing, but I really am. I walked the hospital floors thinking "Do they know what's going on?" It's so awkward and I feel vulnerable wondering if it'll be brought up or not. We don't mind talking about it at all, and will answer any question, even if it seems insensitive. Don't think for a minute that addressing our loss will suddenly make us think about it. We're already thinking about it all the time. Even just saying "I heard about Elizabeth" or "I've read your emails" will take the pressure off me. Don't worry about making me cry in front of you. I deal with this little thing called pride. Have you heard of it? If I cried in public the best response to that would be a high five! 

I'm going to get back to resting now. Thank you for walking with us, even if we haven't met in person. Thank you for letting us share our adventure with you. I'll make sure to update again as we continue!

Josey 

P.S. This photo was taken right after Elizabeth was born. She's alive, just still really messy! We had beautiful pictures taken after she had passed that once we get them back will share with whoever would be interested. I want to make sure to be sensitive to you if you're not comfortable so I won't post them on the blog.