5 years later

Tomorrow it will have been five years since we passed Elizabeth to Jesus. These posts were originally a series of emails to our close friends and family, but ended up in blog form when it seemed easier than trying to add people to the mailing list. I didn't realize that random people searching for "trisomy 13" were still stumbling on them, and felt like I wanted to provide an update to  anyone who isn't directly connected to us. Also, there are a few things I've learned along the way that might come in handy to you who are searching, so I'd love to share them.

First of all, our family has expanded by one more. We welcomed another daughter, Paige Elizabeth exactly two years and three days after her sister. It was very scary for us to even try to get pregnant again, and doubly hard to have such a close due date as before. It was hard. Really hard. It's really awkward to be excited for one child while grieving another. And I felt so resentful having to go through the process all over again. At the end of my pregnancy with Paige, I remember thinking it might be like getting married again after your first spouse dies. Everyone is thrilled about it and you're just thinking "I wouldn't be doing this if they were still here." Clumsily, we made it through a lot of other people's excitement and finally delivered a healthy girl. Over the course of those two years, we have met parents in this special club and heard of so many stories of lost babies. I felt like I was carrying all of them with me into the delivery room that day.

Something happened to me when we brought Paige home from the hospital. It was like instant healing. I had done a lot of healthy grief work and was doing okay by that time, but I describe it as a light switch being turned on. I'm not sure if that's common, but I felt like I saw "redemption on this side of heaven" as JJ Heller would put it. I was worried that having another baby would replace Elizabeth, but it's been the opposite. Having another daughter has enhanced my love for my children. When you've been given a second chance at loving, you don't take it for granted. You hear people say, "hug your kids extra tonight" when there's been a tragedy. I feel like I do that every night.

I love a good list, so here's one I've compiled for anyone facing an "incompatible with life" diagnosis and are choosing to carry to term.

-read the book I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith.
-contact a photographer from "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" and set it up for them to be there at or after the birth. Also ask if they also offer maternity photo sessions.
-reach out to anyone in your area who has dealt with infant loss.
-say yes to any help offered within your comfort level. Remember people want to show their love for you by helping, so let them love you this way.
-find a therapist and establish a relationship with them as soon as you can. They can help guide you through relational boundaries and the grief process.
-regularly meet with people who have dealt with or are in the midst of any type of significant loss.
-after delivery, rent a breastpump from the hospital and try to pump for a month if you can handle it.. People sometimes donate their milk, but you don't have to be a saint. I decided to pump for faster uterine constriction and just thought it would be good for my hormone balance. When I had my next baby, the lactation nurse said that probably helped my body to produce well again.
-during the months and years after delivery, you might want to visit the website "A Glow in the Woods". Not recommended for anyone else, just us in the club.

If you're a friend or family member of a parent who has lost a baby,  here's one for you:

-if you offer to help, don't just say "let me know if I can help". Instead, give a few options of things you'd be willing to help with. "I could either mow your lawn, bring a meal or watch your kids this week. What would be most helpful?"
-after delivery, bring a meal and also offer to shop for groceries. It's not easy going out in public still looking pregnant and having people ask about it.
-at least send a card. I don't know any parent who hasn't kept every card given to them.
-don't be afraid to ask about their baby. You're not going to suddenly remind them of what happened.
-be consistent with visiting if you're a close friend, and let hard visits roll off your back. Your friend is just going to be weird for a while.
-expect them to be weird for a long time. The grief process is different for everyone, but lasts an average of two years when dealt with healthfully.
-don't be offended if they distance themselves from you if you have children the same age. Maybe get together with them without your kids.

I'm not quite sure how to wrap this up, but I'll just say this. We live in an imperfect, fallen world where really bad things happen. Sometimes your baby dies. And there's not (to my understanding) a big reason for it happening other than we live on this side of heaven. God doesn't not "give you more than you can handle". That's not ever quoted in the right context anyway,  so just let those comments go. But we are promised that God will walk with us in these times, and most anyone can look back and see that was the case. God isn't a crutch, He's more like a medi-vac unit or life support. Just keep
that in mind and keep walking.